5 years ago today...............

I had been giving it a lot of thought on what and how I would post on the five year anniversary of losing Jamie. I thought at first I would reflect on the past five years,but I have already done that over and over. So instead I will share the feelings , sights and emotions I felt and saw "fiver years ago today".......

Five years ago today...I was kissing my little girl goodbye as she was being transported to the helipad, on her way to Iowa city.

Five years ago today ...I was riding in moms mustang, doing 80+ miles an hour trying to keep pace the best we could with the hospital helicopter.

Five years ago today....I arrived at the hospital to find Jamie hooked to more machines than I think I have ever seen............................then given the news from the doctor that her brain was swelling, and that was having several strokes. Cindy and I found a quiet place to pray....cry and hold each other , both knowing each others fears....

Five years ago today..... I saw my daughter fight a battle that she could not win........I saw pain in my moms eyes that still think of all the time..........

Five years ago today ......I realized I was not half as strong a man that I thought I was........and realized that my wife was the strongest person I know.......

Five years ago today........ Without saying a single word.....just by the look in my wife's eyes as we sat and prayed next to Jamie's hospital bed .......with our eyes locked on each others we both knew it was time to let her go........and let her last moments with us be with dignity, and love. No more poking and prodding, no more beeps of medical equipment . It was time to let her little body finally rest...........................

Five years ago today.......I watched Cindy rock Jamie for the last time as she slowly slipped away.........peacefully..........knowing how much we will always love her.

Five years ago today.......I questioned by relationship with God.

Five years ago today.......I realized doctors make mistakes.....

Five years ago today.......I questioned the whole idea of adoption

Five years ago today ......We had to leave Jamie at the hospital..............The long drive home was much slower, and quieter

Five years ago today......I had to get down on one knee, put my hands on my sons shoulders and tell him that Jamie was not coming home from the hospital......and that she died.....that is the hardest thing I have ever had to tell anyone.

As i am sure it is with most parents of a special needs child, especially parents of an Angelman syndrome child. The children become the center point of the family. Dinners , vacations , schedules, doctors visits you name it, is planned around the child and the child's needs, or limitations. Much the way the sun is the center of our solar system, and all the planets revolve around it, that was the case with us and Jamie. When our "sun" was taken from us our universe was destroyed.

Five years ago today....... I left a big piece of myself in that hospital room with Jamie........

Contrary to popular belief, you cannot replace sorrow with joy. We have had many joys since that terrible day....the adoption of Becca....the adoption of Kayla.....the adoption of Jack. My life is overflowing with joy and love right now, but the sadness and sorrow is just as strong today as it was "5 years ago today........."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5k2ZhqeW5ck

This a link i made today in rememberance of Jamie............Love you pumpkin

A new Member

It has been long over due, but I would love to introduce the newest member of the "posse".This is little boy Jack. Cindy and I feel so blessed to be Mommy and Daddy to such a "wild" child. He has brought so much joy to our home!!! The girls absolutely adore him................and Luke kinda likes him as well. He is Luke's little buddy. It has been quite an adjustment to having such a little one back in the house again, but we couldn't imagine life without him. The balance of power is a little more even now............4 girls and 3 boys in the house............................but the girls still win out. I LOVE being his Dada !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I think he loves it also.

Cindy and i were sitting in family court today, and I realized "dude you haven't updated your blog lately". I guess I am just getting a little lazy lately. Well....2 months ago we finalized the adoption of "the Nugget". Now I can refer to him by name, since he is finally ours. His name is Jack. He is an awesome little dude, and such a character. Jack has brought so much joy to our family..............and it is kind of nice having another boy in the house. At least now the numbers are a little more even, 4 to 3. We think our family has grown large enough and that we are done.............for now. The reason we were in family court was for another joyous occasion. We attended Jack's older sisters adoption. She was adopted by a really GREAT family that we have and will continue to stay in contact with. I sat there thinking how much both of our families have changed in just a year, and how these two little ones have families who love them so very much.

Gettin a little closer

Well........we had to go to court last week for a termination hearing for "The Nugget". It was a nervous and stressful day for me, not knowing what the judge or the lawyers would have to say or the questions they would ask. The day actually went better than I could have imagined. Nugget's parents did not even bother to show up..........a part of me was relieved , another part was kind of ticked off. How you show such little care and love for your child, to not show up for such an important court date. On the other hand , them not showing up was the best thing that could have happened. The judge terminated their parental rights. We can now move forward as a family to adopt the "Nugget" and give him a forever home. He is already such an important part of our family. I cannot wait for the day to "officially" call him MY son.

A quick update

The other night i realizes I hadn't updated my page lately. Well.......let me break down the last 6-8 months for you. In the past year Cindy and I both lost our fathers, both were in the Navy when they were younger and both passed away from lung problems. We also have a temporary (hopefully permanent ) addition to our family!!! He came to our home when he was 2 days old , and is now a little over 8 months old. I can't use his name right now on my page, but we all have nicknamed him "The Nugget". He is a beautiful happy little boy , and we love him more than I can put into words!!!!! Our summer was FULL of time spent at the hospital. Becca had a bowel obstruction and had 10 inches of her small intestine removed. While in recovery her right lung collapsed and was rushed to the P.i.c.u. and was placed on a vent. The more I get to look back and remember that night I realize how close we came to losing her. At the time I had on my "Daddy" hat and did everything I could to comfort her and make sure she knew that I was there. I spent the rest of the time talking to God , begging him to help Becca get better, and to look out for our family, and to PLEASE not let our family go through this "again". She made a slow but steady recovery and eventually came home 12 days later. I made a promise to Becca when we went to the hospital that I was staying there with her til she came home.........so that is what i did. Cindy spent most days at the hospital, and nights at home taking care of the other kids. After we were home we started noticing Becca was having more seizures, her summer was going awesome with almost no seizure activity. After a few days she started having tonic clonic "gran mal" seizures , and there were many of them lasting for 3-4 minutes at a time. So, back to the hospital we went, to try to get the seizures under some kind of control. We took her to her nuero, adjusted some meds, adjuster her VNS device and put her back on the Ketogenic diet. Right now we are keeping our fingers crossed , her seizures are non existent for the time being. She is back to her normal, crazy, laughing all the time Becca. Soon after we were able to get Becc's seizures under control........Kayla started having Tonic clonic seizures. This was soooooooo weird , especially since we had not seen a seizure with Kayla since we adopted her. Luckily an adjustment of her med seems to be working in controlling her seizures. Like I said this has been a crazy past 4-6 months , but we handled well and are enjoying the life we are blessed with. We go to court this week and in 2 weeks to HOPEFULLY make "The Nugget" a permanent part of our family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will try not to wait so long for my next post I promise